Continuation of Nightmares [Backpost]

Posted on Fri Sep 9th, 2022 @ 5:14am by Commander Raiden Kosugi & Lieutenant Lydia Whitlock M.D.

Mission: The Goddess
Location: Office
2609 words - 5.2 OF Standard Post Measure

"Are you speaking of a neurotransmitter or something more artificial?" Lydia asked. She wondered if the sudden question about substances impacting one's mental state was a deflection from any further discussion of his feelings or sense of self blame. "Either way, if it's natural and normal for someone's mental defenses to be down during sleep, is it truly a weakness, or is it strength by design to promote survival?"

"I had spoken to one of the medical personnel, a Ensign Callingbull who had found a substance in my bloodstream. It is something that can be used to make a person more susceptible to suggestions, like sodium penatathol. Now I am not a medical person though, and you are. People are more susceptible to things when they are asleep. " Raiden looking at Lydia. "It all boils down though to this, how to combat this particular intrusion in my mind, how to cope, to where I don't feel weak. I know I shouldn't be angry at myself. What could I have done? I did fight back, I won but there is the niggling self doubt, and the question of, do I need to sleep with one eye open now?"

The mention of specific medical findings did add complexity to things and Lydia made a mental note to follow up with this Ensign to gather additional details. She had no reason to doubt Raiden, and what he was describing was not just unusual, but a criminal act. Of course, whatever happened criminally or illegally, if anything, it didn't change her obligation to provide psychological support in the aftermath.

"You said you know you shouldn't be angry at yourself. Are you?" The question whether he should sleep with one eye open didn't strike her as what he was really asking. They both knew whether he should or shouldn't, he wouldn't be capable of doing so.

"Honestly? Yes, I am angry and pissed off at myself and at the whole situation. Stupidly feeling like I could have and should have prevented this. Also, I question myself, was the person who did that, were they truly the person or a ringer? It has been known that there are people who manage to slip under security measures and then cause havoc. Or maybe I am too much of a nice guy, which made me vulnerable and weak?" His eyes locked with Lydia's. "I really didn't have any contact with the person, only seeing them at a distance at a party on the ship, just observing everyone there, not truly interacting with anyone. I did smile but that was all there was. Just a smile." Raiden commented.

Lydia was pleased she was finally able to get him to talk about his feelings. It was the only way she knew to help him begin to recover. "It's common to judge ourselves for things we did or didn't do in the past. That's because we have the benefit of hindsight. I want you to put yourself back at that party. Imagine what you were thinking and feeling, and then ask yourself, with what you knew then, could you have possibly known what was to come?"

"It was at the crew Christmas party and it was a crazy one. Plenty of drink, Timia, that is Dr. Svidi had well been wearing a rather-" Raiden paused as his cheeks began to burn, trying hard to figure out a polite way to say it. "Strange sweater that had a hole cut out where her breast were sort of covered with a reindeer nose-" the color in his cheeks soon suffused the rest of his face, blushing furiously. "I shared a drink with Captain Hawkins, spoke to the main crew. Noticed said individual just sitting there eating Osil Twists and drinking, watching the rest of people there with great interest, but not interacting. One of other's Colonel Hayter decided to join in on a prank with Dr. Svidi. I got kissed by the doctor, and I left the party with Captain Verra to go watch some sports. Needless to say I was a bit tipsy. Still a gentleman. I did have a thought of meeting said individual later on to well get to know them better. Something I normally do, to get to know the various crew members. This was during the party, when I first saw her. My talking to her during that, it just didn't happen for us to actually speak to each other. " The heat in Raiden's face receded, and instead he was feeling a bit chilled as the conversation continued.

"Just- I hadn't approached her later on, well not that I remember, except in that nightmare I had where I ended up killing her. I am confused as to what really happened and what didn't truly happen in my mind." he paused once more then looked at Lydia. "In a short answer, no I couldn't have known what was to come. It was just so strange. I don't know if there is a way for me to find out if a piece of memory is gone. Though I hadn't even thought of looking into that. "

Lydia listened carefully as Raiden recounted what he remembered. She wasn't sure exactly what they were dealing with, but she knew she had to consider a variety of possibilities. Whatever the circumstances, however, she believed he had suffered a mental violation and would require sensitive psychological support. He had not identified his presumed assailant by name, but Lydia had to consider the possibility that what happened was perhaps motivated by nothing less than the power and control that motivated most predators, some committing more explicitly physical acts of violation while others committed explicitly mental acts. Raiden being a male was irrelevant. In Lydia's experience, all kinds of people were capable of such crimes.

Could this simply be explained as a crime motivated by power and control, or was there more to this, as Raiden wondered? Lydia was inclined to doubt a larger conspiracy theory like his true assailant being made to look like someone else in his nightmare or the violation itself being motivated by a desire to gather certain information only she possessed, although she knew she couldn't rule anything out.

"Gaps in memory are not uncommon following trauma, although the medical evidence that was found could indicate you were drugged. I am familiar with some strategies to uncover missing memories, but I will be honest that I am not an expert in forced mind melds or how to build up mental defenses against such crimes, but I will certainly seek consultation and search for other similar reports. In the meantime, I can teach you some relaxation strategies to help you sleep. I would suggest giving you some medicine to help you sleep, but I don't want to prevent your memories completely from surfacing, as the brain has a way of processing experiences more readily through sleep. Journaling your memories as well as your thoughts and feelings following the nightmares could also be beneficial for your recovery as well as to getting to the bottom of what could've happened."

"I really don't want to take anything to help me sleep as I am worried it may affect my ability to do my work." Raiden replied. "Though if you have another form of a meditative exercise i would truly be open for that. It is really strange being on the other side of the coin." he mused, "I had a friend who had been, taken advantage of. And I helped said friend through their difficult time, was a confidante, assured said person they were not garbage and it wasn't their fault." Raiden rubbed his face with his hands giving a sigh. "This is truly a rather, odd and disconcerting predicament."

Lydia nodded. No one liked to think of themselves as vulnerable to anything, but that was especially true for something like this and for males in her experience. Even though human society had come a long way in challenging what would have traditionally been known as "gender roles," the discovery of other species and races meant confronting similar beliefs in one form or another, with one section of the population expected to be in vulnerable and inviolate. Members of Starfleet were particularly prone to such expectations of themselves. "Because you didn't think you could ever be targeted for something like this because of your biological sex or position?" Her tone wasn't sarcastic or harsh, but it was as matter of fact as it was soft.

"No, it isn't due to my gender or even position, Dr. It is more on the fact that no one can truly predict if there is a possibility of becoming a victim themselves. Then again one can't even predict if they will get hit by a proverbial bus. Maybe there is an innate fear of becoming a victim at some point in time. However you can't just sit there and live in fear of that might happening. Maybe this could be put in another way, I am shocked that something like this occurred. I hoped that I wouldn't become a victim of a violent act even though it was mental. It is something that anyone would be feeling, unsettled about" Raiden stood up and started to pace, "I need to realize that I am not broken, I am not a superman." he turned towards Lydia. "I also need to remember I did fight back."

"But if you hadn't, or more accurately, if you couldn't?" Lydia prompted. She could see as he processed his thoughts aloud, he was working through some of his self blame. She was under no illusions that recovery could be that simple or that fast, however, and it was her job to uncover what was often unspoken. "What would that mean?"

"I had trained mentally and physically for attacks, which to me came into play in my mental fight. Honestly, if I hadn't had that training I had from childhood I think I would be in much more of a mental mess than I am now currently." slight smile came to view. "My mother had taught me to acknowledge the mistakes and the failures, to learn from them but not dwell upon them. If I dwelled upon them too long, they will end up as a weakness and will most assuredly hold me back from succeeding, from living." he mused aloud.

Lydia's intention had been to get him to explore how he would feel about himself if he had not been able to fight back mentally, but she recognized he was a practical rather than emotional thinker. "I don't disagree with your mother's sentiment generally, but I think when it comes to surviving criminal behavior at the hands of another, what mistake could you possibly have made? Learning from an experience is admirable, but doesn't that presume you did something wrong or were partly responsible for any of this?"

"I am in some way working through my mind as how to deal with this emotionally. The only way to cope with this is trying to look at it, as to what is the here and now. Compartmentalizing it. What would I have done if I didn't have the training I did? I know I am not at fault for what happened, do I want to cry? Yes! Do I want to scream? Yes! Gosh this is giving me such a different perception on things."

Raiden began to pace. "Do I want to tell anyone that this happened? Hell no. Only you and Liala know what happened, and I am so angry it happened. And it for some reason makes me feel so weak. Much like my friend who told me what happened to her. Guess I can say I can be even more understanding with this struggle. I was supportive but.. now I am wondering if I was supportive enough. My friend is doing better but still...."

She didn't enjoy seeing him in so much pain and it wasn't easy to watch Raiden's walls come down, but Lydia knew he wouldn't heal unless he allowed himself to feel all of emotions that came from this experience, letting go of all of the qualifiers or intellectualization. Holding onto them was protective, but could only be so for so long, especially when he was professing not to blame himself for being victimized while also hoping to learn from it. "Now that you are on the other side, what support do you need?"

She didn't expect him to cry and scream in front of an audience, but it occurred to her if he hadn't done so privately, he might benefit from it. Above all, he was grieving, and that required space to do any number of things.

Raiden could feel a bubble of something start to rise, and it wasn't something he wished to do. His eyes started to sting, he could feel his heart start to race, dark spots clouded his vision. He half blindly made his way to an empty spot of the wall and slid down to the floor, his back against it. He pulled up his knees to his chest and buried his face in his arms. Damn he was going to cry, he couldn't stop it. A piece of himself had been ripped from Raiden and it hurt, it hurt in such an unimaginable way. Low quiet gut wrenching sobs emanated from the balled up form of the dark haired man. His body shuddering at the release of his sobs. They soon died away, his breath hitching as Raiden took deep breaths in order to compose himself. He felt so weary, so drained, so spent.

After a few moments of silence, Raiden lifted his head, wiped his face with the back of his uniform sleeve. "I am feeling just a bit tired, If you don't mind, I'm going to go clean up and get some rest." Raiden maneuvering himself to his feet. "I think I'd like to call this session to an end." he added, Raiden giving a bit of a sigh. He was feeling just a bit raw and wanted to just take a breather.

"Of course," Lydia replied softly. The therapist in her understood the expression of raw emotion was a part of the healing process, but only the beginning. Still, the human in her couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt for helping to lower Raiden's walls. No doubt he was feeling worse now than when he came in, which she knew could be the nature of therapy, but was no doubt not something he was expecting. "I am going to send you a relaxation program that should help you fall asleep if you need it. I'm also going to ask the computer to keep me updated on your vitals for tonight. I know this was not what you were expecting, and I imagine you're feeling quite exposed and perhaps not sure about me or this whole therapy thing. If that's true, that's normal. I am on your side, and while I think we should talk again, we can move slowly. You worked hard today, but I promise you won't feel like this forever."

"I am not sure about a few things right now, but I do know they can get sorted out." She was right, Raiden wasn't certain about her, nor the therapy. "You could monitor my vitals, if you'd like. And if you'd like you could send that relaxation program." Raiden giving a nod. "Well I'm off, see you later sometime." and on that note, he left the office wanting to just go clear his head.